Cold Raining Night (19 September 10 @ 1.15 a.m.)

Raining now~ Quite heavy too... I wonder whether your place rains too?? Thunder? I can feel the floor "tremble" when the thunder touches the ground... How about you?? It's getting cold now~ Better get under your comfort blanket and don't catch a cold~

Well, I wanted to ask but I don't know how to start asking.. I don't even know where went wrong between us.. Only you alone know everything.. Even if I asked, I still don't get the answer... It's been a month since you acted like this to me... Do you know that my heart hurts when you treat me like this?? Do you know it hurts when you are just beside me but I can't say a single word to you?? It hurts more when I know you were always there but pretended not to be there and ignore me?? Where is the you I know?? Or I never know you at all?? I just know a masked you or the real you?? I was there for you when you need someone to tell your feelings but where were you when I need you?? It's alright if you can't give me your love and you not accepting mine too.. I'm alright with it.. You still can pass your loving brother's love to a sister like me, right? Or you already got someone who suits that love more than me?? You're getting close with your students which I remember you said "I personally don't agree that a lecturer get close with a student" and now you're doing it..

I'm jealous? Yes! I am!! I won't deny that I'm jealous.. But what can I do? Standing and watching everything happen from a far corner... I can't even go near to you because I scared that you say I'm checking on you like what had happened before this.. Every time when you tell me about your students, I don't feel good at all... Especially when you told me that you were worried about your student who called you because she went out till late night and haven't back home... I really scared that you will go find her and send her home... Even when you told me that you not going, I not able to trust you 100% because I'm scared that you will really go out... OK! Your student is a girl.. So what?! Her parent should worry about her and not a lecturer like you.. Her parents not worry about her and you worry about her?? You say you don't like girls who went out clubbing and make others worry but actually you like girls who go clubbing.. You say you like simple girl... A girl who put less make up but still look good... A girl who is not high maintenance.. But as I see, those girls you told me were totally opposite from what you say.. Whenever you say the above, I really thought that you meant me but actually not me... Inside hurts a lot but you don't know...

You said someone good girl like me was too good for you because you aren't a good guy.. And you said someone will appreciate me... But still you asked me why a good guy like you can't get a girl like me.. Why you want to say these to me?? There is no reason for me to like someone... You asked me will I be happy if we were together... I don't know how to tell you because we haven't try, we won't know... You said you will hit your girlfriend when you angry or drunk or when you unhappy with something... If I'm you girl, I let you hit me if you really wished to hit someone... I'm willing to get hurt rather than seeing you hurting others and yourself.. At least I know what you are doing and at least I know that you love me from bottom of your heart... I know you were joking when telling me all these but I don't even have a chance to answer all your answer with my sincere heart and this had happened (you avoiding me) and you getting busier day by day because you lost a good ex-assistant (your ex-girl) of yours..

If I had appreciate you, I think this (you avoid me) won't happen.. If you had appreciate her, you wouldn't lost a good assistant... If she had appreciate you, she wouldn't had go on other guy and betray you.. If all these never happen, I think we will never know each other.. If not because of I added you, you wouldn't have talked to me... If not because of my brother went out on my birthday and made me waited, you wouldn't have promised me a present... If not because of you asked me to tell you more about Ms. Tan, you wouldn't have given me the new CD I wanted to own.. Looks like whole paragraph sounds like I'm the person who got everything wrong.. It's my fault to fall for you with a simple reason (a loving + caring guy who can take care me for the rest of my life).. But now, you acting like this.. Which means I have to take all of them back?? Or forget everything and start a new life??

I wonder again... If you read this post of mine, will you finish everything till the end and leave me a comment in MSN or just ignore it once again like what you did to me now?? I want to know because it's really been more than a month you didn't talked to me like we used to already... Honestly, I miss you and I hate you at the same time.. Miss you because I misses the time we had together... Hate you because you seems to forget about me totally...

This post ended on a cold raining night at 2.19 a.m. of 19 September 2010